A Personal story

First published on Medium 02/02/24

Drifting through life is an option for many people to take.  

I’m not talking about you, reader. You have taken the time to read this. You are not drifting. The others, the ones that do not read Medium, or a blog, they drift.  

For a long time I drifted through life. A king of the straight road, risk free, never deciding to veer the course until the push of an outside force. 

Between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one I sat in a flat waiting for life to come knocking at my door.  

Once a week I would get the washing done. Once a fortnight I would go to the social security office (welfare) and pretend I was looking for work. In return they would send me a giro (those days of giro cheques) which I would take to the post office or the bank. On a Monday I would go to the supermarket to purchase a week’s supply of food. Carefully watching what I spent, eating the same thing week after week.  

Once a fortnight I would also get a visit from a relative.  

That was it.  

Nothing else ever happened.  

I lived inside my own head.  

Looking back later, I understood I was ill. Afraid to leave the house. How do you get a diagnosis if you cannot leave the house? Planning every little trip to be able to cope with the physical repercussions of being out of the house. The planning for a simple walk to a bank had two days of preparation.  

In the end it all got too much. The endless night finally became a dawn with the realisation that life was not going to come knocking.  

That period of isolation, intermittent fasting, gave birth to who I am today.  

Through the days, I read books. Something I had not done through school. I listened to music. For human contact I had BBC radio four.  

Airways are not enough. Music and the written word are not enough. Even for an obvious introvert, that is not living.  

Drafting a novel, as absolute rubbish as it was, began a writing career that lapsed until much later in life. I needed to experience a lot more of life before writing about it.  

Bringing a balance to my life took an acute control of my brain. Finding ways of being able to leave the house without the shock tactics the stress gave me. A simple solution that, although did not take the fear away, did make it possible to cope.  

The coping mechanisms were used for years after, just to face the most stressful situations. Even today when I feel vulnerable – yes, I still feel that stress on occasions – I still use the same coping mechanisms I devised back in my twenties.  

When I reminisce to that time, and the time after, it remains the weirdest time of my life.  

I drifted through relationships.  

Desperate to feel loved, for companionship, to belong to someone. Desperation brings abuse which leads to desperation and huge effort to please the abuser. This went on for a few relationships, none ended by me.  

Finding myself in yet another coercive relationship, I finally matured and broke free.  

Two decisions. The first to break the fear of the outside world. The second to walk away from an unhealthy relationship and be alone. Being alone was more desirable than the abuse. They matured me. The child inside that flat became a man.  

I stopped the drift through life.  

The important part anyway!  

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Part One. Part Two here.

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Thank you for reading Nigel Hare.com. It is always heartening to know someone reached the bottom of the page.  

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